Monday, June 20, 2011

She tells me to be strong.

I know you are not here.

I know you will never be reading this.

Nor by any chance, hear this.

To my late beloved aunt Faridah binti Mariam,

Today, it has been one year you leave us. Yes, with all the beautiful memories we had created together. It has never been enough to have a kind-hearted inspiring aunt like you. And my mother said, to have a sister like you, like once in a lifetime best experience ever.

I am proud to say that there’s no other people I met in this little world, has a beautiful heart as you do. Despite all challenges that you had been tested with, you stay strong and calm as you are. We know that tears always streams down you face in the middle of the night, but still you never lose hope, you devote your life to our great Creator, Allah.

You words always soothe other people’s heart. You never say bad things about others yet you never yell or scream when you’re mad.In fact, what I remember about you is all your smile and patience. You hardly getting mad.

Cintai Allah kerana cintanya kekal.

When a man called a husband that you loved for life has married another woman, still, you obeyed him as he did nothing but good deeds to you. You rather keep the thorn in your heart than telling others as you do not want other people to look bad at your husband. You stand strong stepping on the thorny path of your life. And the test doesn’t stop there.

Yes it’s true. ALLAH hanya menduga hambanya yang mampu. 2009, sekali lagi dugaan maha perit melanda dirimu. We dont wanna believe it but yes, my aunt was having cancer, breast cancer. Only God knows how much you suffers my dear aunt!

When you cancer is developing, still, you can smile and laugh, as nothing bad ever happened. when the wires and all sorts of machines (sorry couldn't name them) were planted in your body, still, you never fail to perform the prayer. You never fail to hold the tasbih in your weak hands and start your daily zikir, until you fall asleep.

I remember the times when I bathe you, laugh with you, talking to you, spraying you body for wudu’, change you pampers, comb your hair, massaging you and what not. Yes I can remember every moment of us being together and I admitted that I never feel tired of looking after you. Seeing you smile and sleep in no pain, is my greatest satisfaction. I wanted to help, at least to lessen the tiny bits of your sufferings.

I know you will be the happiest person in this world after my mom to know that I had finally got my dream job. My aunt, I miss you and always wanting to hear your words of wisdom. It has been weeks I am doing my job, yet the question of “which division should I go to?” still left undecided. Sometimes, that sort of thing brings me down, I feel sorry for myself for not being able to decide my own path of life. I can’t even help myself, oh how can I decide for others? I feel like facing the hardest thing in my life. I prayed, I do istikharah several times yet confusion still keeps on hitting my head. I think that was the toughest day of my life to decide what I should exactly be in the next few years.I cannot choose one, aunt.

Allah hears my prayer. Eventually He brings my memory back to you. Flashing back all the hardships that you had gone through in your entire life, I feel calmness inside. It really soothe my heart to just remember that;

“Benda yang aku rasa susah sangat ni, bukanlah sebesar mana. Allah dah bagi rezeki dan rahmat, cuma sekarang aku perlu pilih jalannya. Serahkan pada Allah selebihnya kerana aku tidak tahu apa yang sebenarnya terbaik untukku. Aku teringat lagi, sedangkan dirimu pernah menghadapi ujian bertimpa-timpa, maha berat, apalah sangat kesusahanku kini. Sebenar-benar tujuan hidup adalah untuk menyediakan bekalan untuk mati, dan apa yang kuhadapi kini jauh sekali nak dibandingkan dengan kesusahan sebenar di akhirat nanti, di alam barzakh, di saat menghadapi sakaratulmaut. Ibu saudaraku, semoga rohmu tenang disana, hanya yang mampu kukirimkan, sebuah alunan yasin sedekah untukmu. Aku teramat menyayangimu, terima kasih di atas kiriman ‘semangat’ darimu...”

Now let me announce to the whole world that you are one perfect aunt of mine, and I will tell the story of your patience, kindness and strength to the future kids of mine (if I may have one day). I will let them know that we have a great woman in our family. To have you as part of my life, is a true blessing. I learn a lot about life, from you. I owe you the lesson, that no one else can teach but you.

In the name of Allah, WE MISS YOU , so very much, words can’t tell, words can never tell................................................


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